I just threw up on my dentist
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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