the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
