Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
