she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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