thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
