I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Randomize
