I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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