I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
