Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I enjoy the company of your penis
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
