happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
