Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
