i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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