I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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