the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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