I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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