I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
