our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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