do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
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So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
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you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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