I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
How external is "for external use only"?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
