I wish my penis had an off switch
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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