Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
