if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
