Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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