If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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