My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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