Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
