Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
