Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Your penis caused this!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
