Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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