I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
