Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
