I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
