just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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