I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Drunk is not a location!
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
