You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
