just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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