Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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