Just cropdusted the office
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
