I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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