Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
