and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
