What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
