I accidentally had phone sex last night
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
why is half of my head shaved?
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