for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
