paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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