Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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