I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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