if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
