Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
