She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
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