Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
