question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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