me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
