While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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