Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
It's like God shit irony all over that family
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
