i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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