I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
