sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
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not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
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You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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