He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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