im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
