It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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